At Roots of Health, we focus on helping women plan the number and spacing of their children, and we educate young people to help them avoid unplanned teen pregnancy and stay in school. We have some very knowledgeable young people in our communities who are ready to help their peers, but we want to have their parents’ consent. So we gathered some community moms for a focus group discussion (FGD) centered on their attitudes about sex, their expectations of their children, and whether or not they would want their kids to be peer resources to other young people who may be sexually active.
I was immediately struck by all the contradictions between what the moms said and their own life experiences. Of the 10 FGD participants, half had their first children at ages 16-18, and the other half between 19-23. Yet when asked about their own children, they agreed that the proper age for “marriage” (in this case they meant sexual activity) is 25 for girls and 20 for boys.
Only one of the women had talked to her parents about puberty and sexuality when she was growing up. Everyone else got information from friends or other sources. Yet when asked who they think their kids talk to about sex, they unanimously said kids talk to their parents. When we told them later that kids reported talking to their friends to get information, they clarified and said kids don’t talk to them, but should talk to them. I agree – I think parents should educate their kids about sexuality. But when we later asked if they felt they had sufficient knowledge about sex and sexuality to give their kids guidance, they all said no. They also all said that if their kids talked to them about wanting to have sex they would get angry. Given this, it isn’t surprising that their kids don’t approach them.
We also asked the mothers how they would feel if their child was hanging out with someone who was sexually active. Many of them immediately said they would tell their child to avoid that friend. Later though, when we asked if they would be willing to have their kids be peer resources and provide other young people with information about their health, they all said yes. I asked, “what if they are giving information to the kids you wanted them to avoid?” This gave them some pause but eventually they decided that would be all right.
Finally we posed this scenario: what if your child is helping another young person who is sexually active but not using any protection. Would it be ok with you if your child gave the sexually active person condoms? The mothers immediately said, “No!” Their concern was that allowing their child to provide contraception would mean they were accepting that friend’s behavior, and they didn’t want to send that message. Later they were asked, “Ok, as a follow up, let’s say you didn’t allow your child to help the sexually active friend. Then months later you hear that friend is now pregnant. How will you feel?” This question made them squirm. Eventually most of them said they would feel guilty, and feel like they should have done something to help prevent that from happening. They then concluded that it would be all right for their child to hand out condoms to friends if those friends “really really couldn’t control themselves anymore.”
This is a very tricky and difficult topic. These women are not alone in some of the double standards that they impose on their children. They never talked to their parents about sex, yet expect their kids to approach them. They had sexual relationships at young ages and know the realities of teen pregnancy, yet expect that their child should have no difficulties in getting to age 25 before considering a sexual relationship.
I get it. I’m a parent. Parents want what is best for their kids. But it’s not healthy or effective to give your kids the message “Do as I say and not as I do.” Young people are experts at spotting our inconsistencies. They can see the difference between what their parents say and how their parents live their lives. Telling young people only that they shouldn’t have sex until they are married and not giving any other information or support is not only a great disservice, it also erodes trust.
We encourage parents to talk to their kids honestly when they ask to talk about sexuality and to avoid simply saying, “Bawal yan” (“that’s forbidden”) without offering other support. If parents want their kids to delay sex because they lived through the hardships of becoming parents when they were teens, we encourage them to tell their kids their stories. To acknowledge to their children that they made mistakes that they don’t want their kids to repeat. To explain to them everything they had to give up like schooling, and how their lives changed when they started their families.
Likewise, It is not effective to simply tell kids, “don’t have sex ‘til you’re married because that’s what God says.” Rather, make sure the children understand their religion and the beliefs and why God made those commandments. Talk about the standards that the religion has and why those are the ones your family chooses to follow. Simply telling a child not to have sex because the bible says that does not help if the child has no real understanding of the bible or the family faith.
Studies show that kids who receive comprehensive sexuality education are more likely to delay sex until they are older than children who are only taught about abstinence. In the end we all want what is best for our kids, and talking to them about sex doesn’t mean you’re encouraging them or giving them permission to do it. It’s just about equipping them with the information they need so they can make smarter decisions.
Parents, lets all talk to our kids about sex. Let’s do it today! (Please see this article I wrote on age-appropriate sex ed). Let’s be guides who will help our children navigate the tumultuous period of growing up.