By Amina Evangelista Swanepoel
I’m the Director of Roots of Health, an organization that has 26 staff members and programming that serves thousands of women and young people every year. My job is not as stressful as jobs in some other sectors, but it is mentally and emotionally demanding, and is hard work. I love my job and am so thankful that I work in a field that I am passionate about.
I also have two children who are 4 and 2 years old. I try to be the best mom I can be to them, and make sure when I’m not with them that they’re going to an incredible school that nurtures them (Scholaris) and being cared for by a wonderful yaya (caregiver) at home. I love my kids and am thankful that my husband and I have so much help in raising them. But even though I’m providing for my kids, I have so much guilt at being a working mom. I often wonder if I’m doing the right thing by working outside the home. I worry that I’m not giving my kids the attention and time they deserve from me, and that I’m missing out on their lives.
At the same time, I know that working is good for me. I am constantly challenged by my job, and learn new things daily. I take joy and pride in the fact that through my organization, my colleagues and I are improving the lives of thousands of people in Palawan. I also know that when we have extended days of no yaya, spending every waking moment with my children completely exhausts me. I love playing and engaging with them. But I am also so relieved when it is bed time and they finally go to sleep, and I’m so relieved when I can escape back to work again, and have adult conversations and uninterrupted work time.
I’m definitely not alone in navigating the guilt and pressures of being a working mom. I interviewed a few of my colleagues who are also working moms to find out what they face and how they deal with it.
Belle Cortezano has two children aged 14 and 9. She told me that she was a housewife for five years. It was difficult for her because aside from the challenges of being a full time mom (which we all know is very hard!) she felt that her life was stagnanting. It was hard to find any time to nurture her own growth when caring for her family took up so much time. Belle noted that she’s very empowered and independent from her husband. She and her husband consult each other on major decisions, but generally Belle manages her home in addition to working. It’s hard and it’s tiring but she finds fulfillment in her job and is happy to be a working mom.
Gehnefer Lavirez has two daughters aged 9 and 7. She also experienced being a stay at home mom in the past but noted that it was hard to find time to develop herself. She got bored at home especially when the kids were in school, and felt like she was getting old prematurely and letting herself go. She has been a working mom for the last few years and is happy that she can work and help contribute to the family income. Having her salary also allows the couple to save money and better provide for their daughters’ futures. She also loves working in a field that she studied and trained for. It is a challenge for her because she does not have any helpers at home, so once she’s done with work she cooks her family dinner, cleans the house, and helps her kids with their homework. On weekends she has to do all the laundry and shop for food for the week. It’s a constant struggle, and she describes her situation as “Masaya na mahirap” (happy but difficult). She feels the most guilt now that her kids are in school and often need help reviewing for lessons and exams. She wishes that she could find more time to help them with their schoolwork.
Daisy Ellorquez, mother of two boys aged 8 and 2, can relate to this guilt. She isn’t able to give her older son the attention that he needs in reviewing his lessons and preparing homework. When she comes home, tired from work, her youngest son fixates on her and won’t let her out of his sight even for a moment, so she’s not able to rest much. She also sometimes wonders if it would be better if she was a full-time mom, but notes that she and her husband need to have two incomes to provide for their sons.
My own mother, Dr. Susan Evangelista, was a working mom, although because her schedule teaching at the Ateneo de Manila University was quite flexible, I didn’t really feel like she wasn’t around when I was growing up. I asked my mom if she experienced guilt, and she noted that she’d had to end breastfeeding earlier than she might have done otherwise because she worked outside the home, and this was in the era before breast pumps and milk storage technologies became the norm. My mom had to work very hard to juggle home and work, and would often wake up at 4:30 am to grade papers before we all woke up. She had the flexibility to work from home, but working at home with three kids is definitely challenging! She often observed then that “You don’t get to have a complete thought until your last child is about 7!”
I think that probably every mom who works outside the home has some mommy-guilt. While unfortunately I don’t know how to magically erase the feelings of guilt, it does help to know that I’m not alone, and that many other women are dealing with the same challenges and guilt. And it helps me to justify working by acknowledging, perhaps selfishly, that my work makes me happy, and the happier I am, the better mom I will be to my kids.
Are you a working mom? What kind of guilt do you experience and how do you deal with it?